1. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
2. The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
3, Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
4. Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest
5. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
6. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died
7. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room
8. Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
9. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
10. What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
11. How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?
12. The road to success is always under construction
13. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it
14. Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith..
15. If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
16. My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
17. Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him all weekend.
18. Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
19. Some folks are wise and some otherwise.
20. A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
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